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« on: September 18, 2007, 10:27:04 AM » |
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Memory Relapsed, I was there once again. I turned and looked into the void; that’s what it was like: looking into a void Those eyes, nothing, that face, nothing.
Deeper and deeper I gazed, searching for truth at the focus point. Not existing or un-existing, just merely there. No disguises or blinding of my eyes, no evil. No good, and inexistent without the compliment, truly devoid of life. No sentient being ever walked like him. I saw one day. He stared, and looked, pierced with those eyes. My last fragile piece of innocence was crippled and destroyed by the gaze of sight.
Sitting and waiting for someone to help, no one touches the phone. Waiting for help. No one comes, I feel alone, dead, no, nonexistent. Death requires something to have been taken, I feel inexistent. Sweet cold chill, I fear your presence, but long for your touch. “Are sleeping?” I am. Come take me, while I’m dreaming of night; dreaming tonight.
I cry, and I die; never screamed, die. Sweet Voice, approach my ears, and delicately tell me your promises. “Are you dreaming tonight? “ Take it, take It all. Go, and I won’t fight, “It’ll be alright.”
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« Last Edit: September 18, 2007, 02:02:30 PM by WarKirby »
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« Reply #1 on: September 18, 2007, 01:31:29 PM » |
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There seem to be some grammatical or typographical errors that kept me from getting the full effect of this one. Once again into the depths old friend cried the shouting at the back of the room. There should be quotation marks there somewhere, it's confusing. “Are sleeping?” Now, wait, I am. Also confusion. I like the last segment but I can't help feeling confused by the whole thing, mostly because of what I mentioned above.
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« Reply #2 on: September 18, 2007, 02:00:51 PM » |
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This writing was very peculiar to me. Not one that i really liked, but decided to post anyway. This is a prime example of me just writing, and not thinking...mostly. I just wrote, and didnt worry about what it consisted of, hence the more ambiguous atmosphere. I did some minor editing prior to posting it, but i didnt look to hard. To be honest, the two things that you pointed out were a part i started with by just writing (think finding forrestor type writing) and didnt like (the first line), and the second part you pointed out sounded confusing now that i am reading it. I usually never revise my writing, but it was needed here. Again, not a piece im really fond of, just something i wrote.
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« Reply #3 on: September 18, 2007, 02:26:01 PM » |
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This writing was very peculiar to me. Not one that i really liked, but decided to post anyway. This is a prime example of me just writing, and not thinking...mostly. I just wrote, and didnt worry about what it consisted of, hence the more ambiguous atmosphere. I did some minor editing prior to posting it, but i didnt look to hard. To be honest, the two things that you pointed out were a part i started with by just writing (think finding forrestor type writing) and didnt like (the first line), and the second part you pointed out sounded confusing now that i am reading it. I usually never revise my writing, but it was needed here. Again, not a piece im really fond of, just something i wrote.
YOU SHOULD ALWAYS REVISE YOUR WRITING! It only makes it better, you foofel head. 
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« Reply #4 on: September 18, 2007, 02:59:33 PM » |
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This writing was very peculiar to me. Not one that i really liked, but decided to post anyway. This is a prime example of me just writing, and not thinking...mostly. I just wrote, and didnt worry about what it consisted of, hence the more ambiguous atmosphere. I did some minor editing prior to posting it, but i didnt look to hard. To be honest, the two things that you pointed out were a part i started with by just writing (think finding forrestor type writing) and didnt like (the first line), and the second part you pointed out sounded confusing now that i am reading it. I usually never revise my writing, but it was needed here. Again, not a piece im really fond of, just something i wrote.
YOU SHOULD ALWAYS REVISE YOUR WRITING! It only makes it better, you foofel head.  by writing, i meant my poetry and prose. i revise other stuff, but that stuff i usually leave untouched, save a few minor errors.
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