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« on: November 20, 2006, 04:11:10 PM » |
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A few months back, I was at a pre-party organization with my cousin Jesse at his house. I was walking around with him and about 3 other people getting ready for “all of the people” to show up, and I really wanted to score some chic action bad, worse than usual, so I was anxious to get the party started and find some womenz. It kind of sucked though because no one was showing up, but I couldn’t think of a better party to go to, so I stayed for a while until my cousin and his friend David decided we should get more beer before all of the people show up.
I’m bored, so I’m like "yeah I’ll drive" and David smokes a blunt to work up the courage to ask some people to buy him beer (he’s a huge pot smoker, yet under the age of 21, I don’t know how that happens, whatever).
We drive to the nearest gas station in the closest little shit town of “New Melle” and David walks around for like 10 minutes with no luck.
Suddenly, this guy comes out of the store and I’m like "Holy shit! I know him!" it was one of my sister’s hoosier friends of random coolness (they’re all really cool people from a very small town in Butt-fuck Egypt, which is about 10 minutes away from where I live, so I’m not much less-hoosier, I guess).
I'm like "HEY, DALE! ME = MY SISTER!" and he's like, "right on bro!"
I respond, "gimme beers, pweease!"
Dale looks at me and says, "Anything for the next of kin to that wonderful woman, your sister." or something far less extravagant, yet similar.
So, he buys us some beer, and it's funny because the two guys who are with me turn to me and say, "Dude, do you just know everyone?" and then right after they said that, two chicks pull up and I kind of squint at them, and then realize that I recognize them both.
So I lean out the window, all excited like a fucking idiot and yell,
"LINDSEY AND STEPHANI! LOL I'M WILLIE"
and before I can think about how retarded I sound, they yell back,
"OMG WILLIE!"
The two of them come over to the car and tell me that they're going to a party with another chic that I used to know, Becky, at her farm-house thing in hoosier-ville.
I think to myself, “hrmn, how can I work my way into this awesome party?”
...but before I can come up with a plan, Lindsey leans in my car window and flips out her phone,
"give me your number, I’m going to get wasted and you should come!"
... Hooray for easy pickups?
After exchanging numbers, I told her I had to drop off the beer first, so she said she’d call me in 20 minutes and give me directions.
Me and David the pot-smoker-man go back to my cousin Jesse’s house with the beer and I say to my cousin,
“Jesse, your party is lame, you should come to this one with hot chics!” …but he's like,
"I’m Jesse; I like Tabasco sauce, blub blub blub."
So, me and my friend Justin take some of the alcohol and ditch the place to go to Becky's random party. I told my cousin that I’d call him if Becky’s party was worth coming to.
I get there, and practically everyone that I ever went to high school with is there and they all look at me and go,
"holy crap it's Willie! ...who the hell is that other kid with him?" (sorry, Justin)
So, I re-meet everyone and then spend some time with Lindsey, who is still all flirty and stuff, just like she used to be.
I didn't want to drink but Stephanie shoved some rum down my throat and gave me a 32oz cup of rum and Pepsi, ugh.
We started playing some stupid drinking game and I got a little drunk and was hanging around Lindsey for a while, being flirty and laughing. I wasn’t really thinking anything would come of it, since, although she’s really hot, I always had a pretty “just friends” relationship with her.
However… at some random point, when I was much, much, much more drunk, Lindsey starts talking about a comment that I made to her when we were in like, 4th grade… apparently I mentioned something about her having a nice ass? ...which I found odd, because I couldn’t imagine myself having the balls--literally-- to say that in elementary school.
Anyway, she tells me that I told her she had a nice ass a long time ago, and how that made her say to everyone that she knew,
"Holy crap! Willie said something about my ass! He's so hot! OMG!"
A very blunt tactic to call attention to her ass and my irresistible sexiness? Who knows. I respond,
"Yes, it is very sexy indeed…"
She giggles back girlishly, then suddenly turns and in a surprisingly serious and sexy tone responds,
"Do you want to squeeze it?"
Now, I’m pretty confused at this point, but I’m also drunk, and not a complete idiot, so naturally I reply,
"Of course, I would enjoy that thoroughly!"
She takes her wallet out of her jeans to make sure to give me a superb grab. Time slows down because me and time are homies, and it knows that I want to enjoy the moment.
I reached in slowly, my hand approaching as I thought to myself, “This will be no ordinary ass-grab…”
I don’t give it a pat.
I don't give it a spank.
I don't give it a feel.
I don’t give it a squeeze.
I give it the raunchiest grab and lift in the world, the kind of grab and lift that is reserved for the most porno of all porno movies. I squeeze for like, an eternity, and as I let go it does that glorious little jumble that women’s asses do when they fall back into place after a firm grab.
The grab was so raunchy that I half expected her to slap me when I was finished. As my palm left her ass, I braced for fist to face impact, but received no such blow. Instead, she turns her head, ass still facing me, and says,
"Aw, you didn't get both cheeks, do you want to try again?"
My mind exploded, “... WHAT THE FUCKING HELL? THIS IS AWESOME!!”
After that incident, I decided I should call my cousin and tell him to get his ass over here, since the party was a blast, and his party was sucking when I left it.
*ring* *ring* He picks up and answers, “Willie …. *static* … *muffled banging noises*… … my house!... *hang up*”
I shrug and assume that his phone has shitty reception and don’t give it another thought for the rest of the night.
Later into the night, even more stupidly drunk, Lindsey starts like, boobing me to death,
"Look at my boobs, my boobs my boobs my boobs, oh god my boobs”.
Actually, she probably never said that, but that’s exactly what I heard. At one point, I got that awkward silence before a kiss type feeling, but she said something about how I was terribly drunk and smelled like rum, which both confused and discouraged me thoroughly. I spent most of the rest of the night trying to determine what the fuck kind of odd situation I was in, and what my best course of action was (which is not an easy feat when you’re plastered).
Eventually, I just decided to go home.
As I'm leaving the party, she hugs me and gives me the full-on, boob-press, squish-and-shake hug. There was a lot of close-standing and drunk-talking, and a lot of me being confused/horny/drunk/ambitious, and a lot of her being hot/confusing/questionably just friends. Throughout this, my mind is like a casino slot machine, there are about 10 ideas whirling by.
Wha-ping, wha-ping, wha-ping, “just go home”, cycles by…
Wha-ping, wha-ping, wha-ping, “get naked!”, cycles by…
Wha-ping, wha-ping, wha-ping, “don’t barf on her!” cycles by…
Wha-ping, wha-ping, wha-ping. STOP. …and it lands on “FUCKING PLANT A KISS YOU RETARD!”
Drunkenly, I fling my face forward in her general direction and try to plant one on her.
“This is air-control to pilot, you have permission to land on runway Lips.”
“Roger that, landing now…”
“Air-control to pilot! You are landing on the wrong runway! Cheek is not open for landing, Lips is your target!”
“Pilot to air-control, my eyes are closed because I’m too drunk to fly this fucking plane!”
Cheek. Wonderful.
To this day, I’m not entirely sure whether or not I missed and hit her cheek, or got that awful face-turn turn-down maneuver.
I haven’t talked to her since, so I’m guessing the latter, haha.
My cousin called me the next day and told me that I couldn’t understand him on the phone because he was fucking one of the many hot chics that arrived at his party after I left. Fuck you, Jesse.
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