As per request, here's the story of how I almost killed all of my best friends in one sitting. This is a tale of immense stupidity and is written in a purposefully ridiculous and improper fashion to reflect such things. Enjoy.
A long time ago, in a hillbilly town called New Melle, far away... Okay so this one time, after our senior highschool orientation, me and my friends DeBold, Chris, and Daniel were driving home down Highway D in DeBold's dad's car. In case you aren't aware, Highway D is basically a long and winding deer obstacle course of death.
We were all excited and stuff because it was the beginning of our last year of high school so we were jumping around and hooting and hollaring and generally making asses of ourselves-- or was that just me? Anyway DeBold was having a difficult enough time driving while everyone was talking, much less with me thrashing around in the front-passenger seat like a spider monkey on cocaine.
The dialogue in the car could be summarized with, "Bla bla bla lol bla bla lol
BOOBS bla bla bla lol bla bla bla
DANIEL'S ASS lol lol lol lol"
So for a while we are talking about how much we missed boobs over the summer and all that nonsense, and then out of nowhere we got hit by a huge fucking pile of
EVERYONE NOT TALKING. Dead silence. I suppose we were all sleepy since it was like 6am afterall.
As we all know, silence is the arch-enemy of a wacky-mooded Willie ...so, amidst the dreadful, deadly silence, I randomly turned to DeBold and made the most retarded facial expression I could think of while emitting a long, drawn out, consonant sound.
Then I RIPPED THE KEYS OUT OF HIS
IGNITION WHILE HE WAS DRIVING
By a pure stroke of luck and bad timing, we happened to be rather quickly coming up on a very sharp turn when this happened.
So the car starts veering off into the grass and everyone starts freaking out and I'm all trying to be suave and cool about it like I'm not a complete fucking idiot,
"Guys, guys, this is really not a big deal. Dude, DeBold, just turn the wheel man, it's all good, there just isn't power steering, you can turn it, you'll be fine. Oh-ho, tut tut, tut tut tut, hooh hah, young lad" etc. etc. etc.
What I failed to realize at the time was that DeBold's car, no longer detecting any keys in the ignition, had assumed that someone was trying to steal the vehicle. Its intelligent automotive computer decided to lock the steering wheel in place to prevent any would-be thieves from taking the vehicle.
Now, DeBold had already realized this, but I didn't figure it out until he turned to me and said,
"HOLY FUCKING SHIT COCKS THE STEERING WHEEL IS LOCKED OMFG BAJESUS MONKEY BALLS MARTHA STEWART!!!!"It was full panic mode at that point. I'm screaming, DeBold's screaming, I'm pretty sure Daniel told everyone he was gay, and Chris... well Chris was the only person not screaming. He was just sitting there with an eerie sort of calmness and a very blank expression on his face.
The car flies over a ditch, slowly riding along the ditch with one wheel in it and the other suspended in the air, almost flipping over, grinding, moaning, skidding... until eventually, as if with the grace of DeBold's mom's divine sexiness, we somehow ended up miraculously safely on the side of the road in a grassy field.
For a few seconds, everyone just sat there, still gripping their seats tightly in total silence. After about 10 seconds, Chris, who had been totally silent the entire time, says,
"WHAT THE FUCK?!"and I'm like,
"Dude I dunno wtf the problem was, I've pulled the keys out of Daniel's ignition like 3 times and that never happened before..." <<<<<< retard
and then Chris is all like,
"WHAT THE FUCK!?!!??!?!!?" only, more so.
then Daniel chimes in,
"Yeah, he's seriously done that to me before... I just didn't say anything because I'm Daniel Volle and I don't care if I live or die because I'm just that badass."... ... ... yeah... um... yeah... I uh... I have no excuses.
So eventually Chris got out of "WHAT THE FUCK!?!?!?!?" mode and he ended up getting into the driver's seat and maneuvering the car out of the ditch. After we got home, I spent most of the day hanging around DeBold and trying to convince him not to tell his dad what happened, since there wasn't much damage to the car.
Of course, DeBold
did tell his dad what happened and I can only assume that that moment was the start of the rivalry between DeBold's dad and myself. The rest is history.
