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« on: March 04, 2008, 11:26:38 PM » |
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I swear loudly at my past
Cursing the fucking gods and their foul play
What choice I have had was predetermined and inconsequential
I tilt my head further back to feel the sweat from the gods
Or is it tears?
With the drops falling on my head, it becomes clearer
With every drop of rain,
There is one tear
A tear shed for me
A tear shed for my ignorance
A tear shed for their misinformed creation
I questioned their every move, and now understand
It is my every move
They watch with tears running down,
As I curse my own life
As I curse my own being
As I curse my own ignorance
They can do nothing but watch
With tears running down
I feel them on my cheek
These are my tears I now feel
My tears running down from my eyes
That have seen my past, and my actions
My loud curses resonate within my mind and reach no one else
My tears run down, as I run from blame
From a life that was forfeit
MY tears run down, and mix with those of my god
I feel the tears run my soul with blame
And they speak loudly to me,
And drown out the curses to my god
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« Reply #1 on: March 08, 2008, 08:14:53 PM » |
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I like:
"As I curse my own life
As I curse my own being
As I curse my own ignorance
They can do nothing but watch"
Although I find that the profanity and use of "fucking" detracts from the piece and seems unnecessary, especially so early in the poem-- but I don't think it should be there at all. Which is weird, since I'm usually pro-profanity, but I think here it hurts and should not be there.
I like the idea of the Gods watching and mourning, a helpless God, or rather, helpless but to watch a mere human. Good job there. I like the way you portrayed that.
The ending is somewhat vague and a let down, but the mid-point of the piece was very enjoyable.
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« Reply #2 on: May 20, 2010, 10:35:14 PM » |
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I like:
"As I curse my own life
As I curse my own being
As I curse my own ignorance
They can do nothing but watch"
Although I find that the profanity and use of "fucking" detracts from the piece and seems unnecessary, especially so early in the poem-- but I don't think it should be there at all. Which is weird, since I'm usually pro-profanity, but I think here it hurts and should not be there.
I like the idea of the Gods watching and mourning, a helpless God, or rather, helpless but to watch a mere human. Good job there. I like the way you portrayed that.
The ending is somewhat vague and a let down, but the mid-point of the piece was very enjoyable.
Im so glad my Poem was a let down Willie! |
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« Reply #3 on: May 20, 2010, 10:50:47 PM » |
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good lord, someones a tad slow on the reply.... lol
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« Reply #4 on: May 21, 2010, 07:31:09 AM » |
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Uh... sorry for posting my thoughts? I didn't say that the poem was, I just stated that it had a stronger middle section than an end section, so it felt a like a bit of a let down at the end.
Also... you're about 2 years late on your reply there dude.
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« Last Edit: May 21, 2010, 07:35:49 AM by MetalMusicMan »
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« Reply #5 on: May 21, 2010, 10:33:23 AM » |
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ha. i was just joking. I was going through a bunch of old posts last night, and found this one and was surprised i didn't reply to it originally.
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« Reply #6 on: May 21, 2010, 11:16:26 AM » |
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ALL YOUR POEMS ARE A LET DOWN, YOU ARE A FAILURE AT LIFE! ALSO YOU HAVE INSUFFICIENT PENILE MASS!
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« Reply #7 on: May 21, 2010, 04:06:07 PM » |
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ALL YOUR POEMS ARE A LET DOWN, YOU ARE A FAILURE AT LIFE! ALSO YOU HAVE INSUFFICIENT PENILE MASS!
YOUR MOM HAS INSUFFICIENT PENILE MASS |
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« Reply #8 on: May 21, 2010, 05:03:48 PM » |
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YOUR MOM HAS INSUFFICIENT PENILE MASS
qft |
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