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Author Topic: Work in Progress Short Story  (Read 566 times)
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« on: August 24, 2007, 07:32:45 PM »

     Chapter 1

     I sat in class the other day and an unpleasant feeling came upon me. This unwelcome feeling stayed with me for the entire day. It wasn’t until the drive home from school that I could really put my finger upon what was bothering me: this country is running straight down the drain. Now, before I get an angry mob of pro-American, freedom fighters chasing me back to my defiance home, let me explain my thought process. I do not believe that this country is the worst of any place on the globe, nor do I wish that I did not live here. I love where I live, what I am, and what this country allows me to do. With that said, one would be oblivious if they were to think that this country has no problems. To help you understand what I am saying, and what I now understand, I will try to explain the events which shed light upon my thought, and consequently gave me new insight into what our country should be, and how it has strayed from the seeds that our forefather’s planted.
   
     It all starts on a cold, rainy night last October. I sat in my bedroom, counting the number of times our current president has made a fool of himself during his previous term and a half. When an idea came upon me, “this is a perfect night to go strolling through a graveyard.” It just so happens that there is a graveyard within walking distance from my house. I got out my boots, grabbed my coat, pet my dog Max, and closed the laundry room door behind me. I strolled out the garage door, as if guided by some extra planar force, and walked steadily down the street to where my destination rested. When I arrived at the graveyard, I noticed a sign just inside of the entrance gates. “This is a normal graveyard, definitely not consisting of the forefathers of our country.” I thought nothing of this warning, because obviously, I had no worries as to bumping into a dead Thomas Jefferson, John Adams, or anyone else. As I continued to stroll through the dimly lit walkways, and domineering stone catacombs, I once again felt guided by some spectral force. This time, however, it was almost as if it guided me towards a particular grave. When I knelt down and examined the grave with my torch (oh yeah, I found a torch back by the entrance of the graveyard) I saw the engraving on the headstone read, “Here lies Thomas Jefferson, John Adams, and…Monroe.” Well, so much for trusting warning signs in a graveyard. At this point, I was a little hesitant upon staying there, but I saw that outside the graveyard, stood Dick Cheney with a 12-gauge in hand, and not a bird in sight. After milliseconds of contemplation, I felt the safest place was where I sat. In an instant, as if some miraculous wonder existed next to me, some grass grew. No seriously, the grave opened up, and a set of stairs appeared. As I walked into uncertainty, I felt the familiar spirit guide me down, and aid in my courage. What I immediately saw upon entering was what looked like a dimly lit room, and three men sitting upon chairs and couches, reading what appeared to be Cosmopolitan, and watching prime time network television. Just as immediately as I had entered the room, I noticed that the three men gathered around were indeed Thomas Jefferson, John Adams, and…Monroe. Expecting some profound statement upon greeting them, I was surprised to hear a courteous voice say, rather confusedly,
“So, do I have to let my man have his own space, but still remain close to him emotionally?”
“No, you fool,” responded who I guessed to be John Adams. “You must vote for the best singer in this competition to get a say in things.”
At this point, confusion became a clear understanding: I was utterly bewildered.
What were these legendary leaders doing in a room beneath a grave, and what were they doing discussing trivial bits of information like this when they could be watching the news or reading Time magazine, or for that matter anything but Cosmopolitan…seriously.
   “Um, hello,” I mumbled.
Instantly all attention was focused upon me.
   “Ah, yes, hello good man. How are you today?”
Now, on any other normal day, I would have answered this question with a combination of B.S. and generic responses. But when a supposedly, long dead, former president ask you how you are doing, there is only one real response:
   “Um, ducky, sir. Just ducky.”

Crap. You’d think with eighteen years of experience on the planet, I would have somewhere come across a better phrase than ducky.
   
       “Ducky, eh?” replied TJ. “Well, I have never heard of that phrase before, but I expect it is a more used term in your time, than that which I am familiar with.”
   “Well, sort of, it’s actually from the 1950’s.” What the hell was I thinking? I am the first person to talk to Thomas Jefferson since his supposed death some 200 years ago, and I was carrying on a conversation on the origins of the word ducky.
   “Um, if you don’t mind me asking sir, what are you all doing here, and if you don’t mind me being blunt, aren’t you supposed to be dead?”
   “Ha, well, yes, all in good time you will have answers. For now, I will acquaint everyone. I am sure you know of me, Thomas Jefferson?”
   “Yes,” I weakly responded.
   “And, I am also sure you know of my friend John Adams, and our companion Monroe?”
   “Yes, I also know you two gentlemen, but doesn’t ‘Monroe’ have a first name?”
   “Well, we all assume he does, but the writer of this story is not versed enough in history to recall that piece of information, so we considered it negligible.”
   “Of, course, yes Mr. Jefferson.”
   “Oh, please, call me TJ. I ask that you be comfortable with addressing me, for I am willing to gamble that you have many questions to ask of me. In turn, I have many things I wish to relate to you. So, please sit, Monroe get up. GET UP! Our guest requires a seat. So, as I was saying, please make yourself comfortable, while I inform you upon the reason as to why we are here, and why you are also here.”
   I awaited his response with anticipation…..

   -Chapter 2-
 
    “To, begin, I assume it is necessary for you to understand why and how we are here, sitting before you, in this room. In 1776, shortly after signing the declaration of independence, a select few of us gathered for a tertiary continental congress. Unlike the previous gatherings, this one was not concerning the immediate survival of the United States. While we all knew that the immediate survival and independence was crucial, we select few knew that if the immediate future was to be secured, we must have a plan for the long term future.”
   As these final words rolled off of Jefferson’s lips, I remembered, vaguely, the lessons of my senior year history class, and an excerpt I read from our textbook: The founding fathers of our country had a greater plan for our nation in store than was seen or allowed to unfold.
As Thomas Jefferson sat before me, he unraveled an elaborate tale about the success of America depending upon future generations cooperating with the goals and aspirations set by the founding fathers. He explained that everything was set down by the writers of the declaration of the independence. Compromises had to be made, but the eventual plan was to create a society where everyone had a say, a part, and a purpose in government.
“You see,” explained Jefferson, “we set a foundation for the future, and it was planned that our decedents would follow that path to harmonious success.  Unfortunately, we did not take into account the amount of greed and ambition that resided within our fellow brethren.”
As I shifted uncomfortably in my chair, Jefferson motioned to rise.
“Our story now takes us beyond this room, and into a more…suitable quarter.”
I followed Jefferson’s lead out of the room. As I vacated my chair, Adams motioned for me to come over.
I did what anyone would have done, I followed.
“Alright, we don’t have much time here,” breathed Adams in a low whisper. “What are you going to say when you follow Thomas down that corridor?”
   Somewhere in my mind, I searched for a hint as to what this man was talking about.
   “I’m sorry sir; I don’t think that I understand.”
   “Damnit boy, don’t you see what’s happening here? Nobody knows we exist, this whole situation down here is the only thing keeping this country from tearing itself apart.”
   I grasped for a response, “Sir, how could the fate of the entire country rest in the existence of this small room down here?”
   “That, my boy, is the key to everything. Just you wait, in the end, it will all make sense. And remember, nothing is truly as it seems….”
   “Young man,” roared Jefferson’s voice across the room with a glare almost as commanding. “Are you ready to make your journey?”
   “Yes,” I replied with hesitant confidence.
   We traveled past the remaining occupants of the room, and John Adams gave me a reassuring wink as I pursued my guide out of the room.
   In contrast to the warm, comfortable accommodations that I previously passed through, this new environment was both damp, and enveloped in darkness. I traversed through the pathways, guided only by a small torch held by my guide, whose own stature dwarfed my own.
   “These are the original hallways that led underneath the Capitol Building during the formation of this country. Nobody knew about them except for members of the C.A.
   My mind raced back and forth, trying to recall any information about this “C.A.” With no success, I queried my guide for an answer.
“Sir, what is the C.A.?”
   “By God, have I forgotten to explain about the C.A.?” Jefferson exclaimed.
“The C.A., or Colonial Alliance, was a secret organization that existed, metaphorically, beneath America. Like I said, these very halls served as connections between the four crucial points back in our time. The first was built on the eastern shore, and remained in existence for decades. Two other entrances were built on the outskirts of the two biggest cities of the time, one in Virginia, and the other in South Carolina. The last, the one you seemed to find your way through earlier tonight, is the most recently built of the four. It was sought to be the connection between westward expansion and the dominant east coast. With the passing of time, these tunnels were discovered by refugees, and during the 1800’s, many abolitionist groups used them to transport runaway slaves; thus giving birth to what you know as the ‘underground railroad.’
   
As he continued to spin tales of intrepid explorers finding their way into these tunnels, I was uneasy at the way he mentioned that intruders that were discovered, were always disposed of.
   
We continued on our path, dimly lit by the torch, and proceeding through the darkness.
   
“These tunnels that once were to serve the needs of a most secret society were now a matter of legend and human exploration. The members of the C.A. found it necessary to shut off these paths. Around the year 1860, while the country was futilely at war with itself, the remaining members of the C.A. planned to collapse the entrance and midpoints of all tunnels, except one. This last one tunnel was to serve the remaining members of the C.A. who were left to this earth to see the success of America.
   “But how did only a small handful of the C.A. guard and protect this tunnel for so many years?”
    “This last tunnel, the one that we walk upon, is the only link between your world, and an ancient one.”
I merely stared at Jefferson in confusion. This explanation seemed less of an answer to my question, and more of an explanation of what was to come. Ahead of us, existed no darkness or mystery, only a solitary door with faded gold writing that read:

Operor non requiro refero per is ianua.

    “The answer you seek to your question, along with others, is through this door,” answered Jefferson.  And on that note, I hesitantly followed my guide through the door, and into the unknown. 
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« Reply #1 on: August 24, 2007, 09:56:40 PM »

Wow, Andy, you posted!  This is very long, and I didn't see it until just now, but I'll check it out tomorrow and give it a read for sure.  Later Bro-Thar.
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« Reply #2 on: August 25, 2007, 12:11:45 AM »

Quote
   
Work in Progress Short Story

LIES
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« Reply #3 on: August 25, 2007, 07:26:55 AM »

Wall Of Text  hits You for 100000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000
You Die
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« Reply #4 on: August 25, 2007, 11:04:12 AM »

Quote
   
Work in Progress Short Story

LIES

i will amend the title to simply say story... :/
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« Reply #5 on: August 25, 2007, 11:14:41 PM »

Thoughts:

I really like the structure of the story, and the general idea is very fun.  Some of the humor between the presidents is hysterical, I'd like a little more of it, but I'm a sucker for it.  I am anxious to see where this story goes, so please finish it! Smiley  Overall a great read.

You overused breaking the fourth wall and talking to the audience so to speak, and most of the cocky side comments seem forced and unnecessary.  This was the only major problem with the flow of the story that I found, without that, the only real problems with the story would be with sentence structure and grammar-- it's a very solid story that's quite entertaining.  I vote remove the comments or change them so that they are appropriate or necessary in some way-- it'd probably be better to just remove them though, I think,


Critiques:

Quote
chasing me back to my defiance home
 
Change "defiance" to "country", unless you plan on elaborating on defiance and stating that it is the name of a country town/area


Quote
In an instant, as if some miraculous wonder existed next to me, some grass grew. No seriously, the grave opened up, and a set of stairs appeared.

The build up is not suspenseful enough to pull off the joke.  You need to either build more suspense to make the joke of grass growing funny, or remove the joke.  I vote remove the joke.

Quote
“So, do I have to let my man have his own space, but still remain close to him emotionally?”
“No, you fool,” responded who I guessed to be John Adams. “You must vote for the best singer in this competition to get a say in things.”

Hilarious.  Well done.

Quote
supposedly, long dead

Remove the comma here

Quote
but I expect it is a more used term in your time, than that which I am familiar with.

I have the same problem with over using commas.

Quote
the hell was I thinking? I am the first person to talk to

Changing tense, keep tensing the same.  I.E. "...the hell was I thinking?  I was the first person to have the opportunity to talk to him in 200 years, and I was talking about the origins of the word ducky..."

Quote
   “Well, we all assume he does, but the writer of this story is not versed enough in history to recall that piece of information, so we considered it negligible.”
   “Of, course, yes Mr. Jefferson.”

I can't decide if this is funny enough to warrant me pondering whether or not you actually knew Monroe's first name throughout the entire beginning of the story.  And be careful with breaking the 4th wall too much.  However, I would keep the part about you not remembering Monroe's first name, but instead, insert it into the beginning of the story when you introduce the 3 presidents.  Remove the comma after "Of"

Quote
Monroe get up. GET UP! Our guest requires a seat.

Totally hilarious, I love it-- this is the kind of comedy that I think you should focus on, and be much more sparing with breaking the fourth wall-- that's a very specific thing that only works in specific situations... I wish I could explain it better.

Quote
inform you upon the reason

Inform you upon?

Quote
decedents

deceNdents.  Typo.

Quote
  We traveled past the remaining occupants of the room

There are other occupants?  Are there other presidents besides the three?

Quote
As he continued to spin tales of intrepid explorers finding their way into these tunnels, I was uneasy at the way he mentioned that intruders that were discovered, were always disposed of.

It seems that you are insinuating that people were killed by the makers of the tunnels, this should be more grimacing and shocking, it seems too carefree of a statement to support the idea that these presidents are responsible for killing people.

Quote
once were to serve the needs

once were USED to serve the needs

« Last Edit: August 25, 2007, 11:16:27 PM by MetalMusicMan » Logged


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« Reply #6 on: August 26, 2007, 02:44:51 AM »

Quote
   
Work in Progress Short Story

LIES

i will amend the title to simply say story... :/
i'll read/critique when i have time/cure my ADD
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« Reply #7 on: August 26, 2007, 12:28:26 PM »

Thoughts:


Critiques:

[


Well, to understand my frame of mind, the first and second chapters were written at two different times. For the first, i was just writing some goofy nonsensical stuff, and just seeing where i went with it. It started out as me just trying to vent what is wrong with this country (hence the first paragraph), and then i just kept going. I understand that a lot of the 4 wall breaking is not conventional, and its not something i usually do, or think enhances the story. I just was being goofy that night, and never changed it. For instance, the Monroe thing was never supposed to be in the story, i just couldn't think  of the name, and never got around to it. Not bad story telling on my part, just lazy.  Most of that stuff disappears in chapter two (when i realized that i could make a story out of this), and thats when the plot kind of kicked in. Im still not sure where i am going with this story, as i have tried to write part 3 many times, but i keep making it more complicated, and more far fetched, thus why my delete key is getting so much use Sad
Thanks for the thoughts and critiques, very helpful, and im glad you liked it.
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« Reply #8 on: August 26, 2007, 02:29:01 PM »

No need to defend your state of mind when writing brother, spewing random thoughts onto the page is usually the best fuel for creativity.  I liked both chapters, I just mercilessly critique things because it helps make the story stronger.  You can ask Mr. David Snizzlez, bwaha.
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« Reply #9 on: August 27, 2007, 11:27:25 AM »

No need to defend your state of mind when writing brother, spewing random thoughts onto the page is usually the best fuel for creativity.  I liked both chapters, I just mercilessly critique things because it helps make the story stronger.  You can ask Mr. David Snizzlez, bwaha.

I pretty much hate red inc now, YOU HAVE SCARRED ME FOR LIFE!!!!
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« Reply #10 on: August 27, 2007, 12:37:00 PM »

just a hint for posting on the internet, i know it may screw up your structure a bit but space it out more, leave gaps between lines, when its on the internet, walls of text are very difficult to read and a bit daunting and off putting
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« Reply #11 on: August 27, 2007, 03:17:56 PM »

Quote
I pretty much hate red inc now, YOU HAVE SCARRED ME FOR LIFE!!!!

David, I kind of miss our fun little writing sessions, hahaha.  Oh yeah, you spelled Ink wrong.

just a hint for posting on the internet, i know it may screw up your structure a bit but space it out more, leave gaps between lines, when its on the internet, walls of text are very difficult to read and a bit daunting and off putting

This could not be any more true-- formatting things for reading online is a totally different thing than formatting them on paper.  The right formatting can make the difference between a wall of text critting your reader for 10 billion and your reader actually reading the story.  I had to learn that lesson myself, it took a while.
« Last Edit: August 27, 2007, 03:19:30 PM by MetalMusicMan » Logged


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