Marine Recruiters

[MetalMusicMan]

A few weeks ago I was working at the old Circuit City, doing my thing, running around and selling people laptops for $499.99 and trying to best put politely that the PC they are about to buy is a piece of shit, and that they could easily spend another $100 or $200 and get a laptop that doesn't suck.  They rarely listen, instead, it is often found to be "practical" to spend $200 dollars upgrading the $499 laptop's memory, because a Celeron processor with 1GB of ram for a net price of $700 is a better deal than a $700 laptop that already has 1GB of memory and a NOT SHITTY processor.  Sometimes I think that we should resurrect concentration camps, but use them for consumers, but then I remember that if we burned all of the stupid people, the world would stop functioning, and I have the terrible realization that idiots make the world go 'round, and then I cry.  I cry long crocodile tears, a great weep for all of humanity.

Any-who, amidst the usual mundane activities that earn me my Alexander Hamilton per hour, I found myself victim to the oh-so-pleasant Marine recruitment attack.  I'm talking to some nice old lady who wants to make sure that a CD-Burner comes with her computer, because that feature is "hard to find these days" and she knows that "a lot of them don't come with that" when I see them walk in the door.  They always travel in pairs, they're like Raptors, I swear it.  You see them come in, and you notice them split up, but the thought of an ambush doesn't strike you until it's too late-- you watch one of them run over to some helpless associate on one end of the store while chuckling at the poor bastard who is trying to escape the attack.  Before you know it, you're asking yourself the question, "I wonder where the other one went?".  At about that point you notice the other Raptor out of the corner of your eye and realize that you are about to be eaten... I mean recruited.

The ass-hat approaching me has the most shit-eating-grin I've ever seen in my entire life, but I think to myself, "Remain positive, maybe he is just a normal man who likes to wear his Marine uniform when he goes shopping for overpriced retail electronics, maybe he isn't a recruiter after all!  Yeah!  Stop being so negative, this dude probably just wants an iPod Nano, or some equivalently useless item.  Maybe it won't be so bad..."  Mr. Marine-man extends his hand with a handshake that has all the qualities of a sexual assault.  It's forced, I don't ask for it or want it, and afterwards I feel wet and uncomfortable, with a slight pain in my ass. 

"Hey there soldier, have you ever thought about a career in the armed forces?"

Fuck.  My.  Ass.  Hard.  On Tuesday.  In the afternoon, just after brunch with crumpets and tea.  While wearing a top hat.  Oh, and a Monocle.  "Cheer-i-o, chap, buttsex, oi!"  ehem... pardon my homosexual British analogy.  ANALogy, oh ho, ho ho ho, I've gotten you, bwahahahahahaha.  Yes yes, take it in, take it all in.  Sit back and drink that awesome one liner in, do you need a cigarette?  Anyway...

"No, no sir I have never thought about a career in the armed forces, outside of thinking about what a terrible idea it would be for me, that is."

"YOU CAN GET SO MUCH PUSSY!"

"...dude, there's an 80 year old woman standing right next to us."

"DO YOU WANT HER PUSSY?  IF YOU WERE IN THE MARINES, YOU'D HAVE THAT SHIT IN A HEART BEAT!  PLUS, YOU COULD KILL INJINS!"

"Injins?"

Okay, that's not really how the conversation went, but close enough.  Basically, recruiters bother the shit out of me, because they pull this shit while people are trying to work.  I mean, I will never ever join the Marines, the army, the air force, whatever, it just isn't my style.  I don't have a problem with people who do, or even the prospect of recruiting for such things.  If there are some Marines at a recruiting booth at a job fair, that's cool.  But seriously, why the fuck do these bastards find it appropriate to come to my work and interrupt me during a sale?  That shit is not acceptable.  Even if I wasn't busy, fuck off man.  If I wanted to join the Marines, I'd march my ass down to your office and sign my ass up, and all the pussy in Iraq isn't going to make me decide to walk out on my job and follow you off to the middle east. 

The really annoying part is that this dude is sitting there trying to convince me of all the "action" I'd see "first hand".  Regardless of my own personal desire to see or not see action, I knew with out a doubt that this fucker had NEVER seen ANY action what-so-ever.  He shouldn't even be allowed to wear that uniform in the first place, because that implies that he is somehow affiliated with actual soldiers. 

Fuck you, Marine recruiter guy, you're a used car salesman with nicer pants and a stupid sword, and a hat that serves no realistic purpose other than to make you slightly resemble the stay-puff marshmallow man.

[anarkhos22]

i ignored their calls for 5 months, then one day i was expecting a call right then, phone rings, i answer without looking at my screen and BAM i hear some bastard talking to me about the Marines.  I told him i have a problem with authority and a slight addiction to several illegal substances.  Needless to say after i told him i had a mohawk and tattoos i didnt hear from his dumb ass again.

I would have a slight problem with fighting for a country i dont believe in.  If i ever had to say that my supreme commander in chief was Bush i would probably have to castrate myself to keep one more stupid person from populating the planet with more retards.

[KaggyPoo]

Good read man, its soooooooo true, half those guys have never seen any action. AND WHAT IS WITH THE HAT? i dont fucking know i wish they would take it the fuck OFF

[partypolishman]

their assau;ts are relentless, even in an established learning institute *cough* party *cough* they harass you on your way to classes, with tho whole "do you really belong here" or the " you could do more with yourlife be becoming a meat sheild and food for cammel spiders" so kudo's to you sir for bringing this up

[The_Gamdol]

their assau;ts are relentless, even in an established learning institute *cough* party *cough* they harass you on your way to classes, with tho whole "do you really belong here" or the " you could do more with yourlife be becoming a meat sheild and food for cammel spiders" so kudo's to you sir for bringing this up

J...J...J...Jules?


I also remember the time I was talking to Will on vent, when I got a phone call.  I drop my headset to my neck and pickup the phone.  I don't realize the speaker is directly next to the mouthpiece.

MR: "Hello, is this The Gamdol?"

TG: "Why yes, who is this?"

MR: "Hello I'm with the US Marines, and I was wondering...

Will: "GOD FUCKING DAMNIT!!"  (this was not in relation to the MR, but to dying in PvP or something)

MR: "Uhhh, is this a bad time?"



Oh the good times that were had.

[Oograx]

I had a navy guy call and ask if i "wanted to go play some football with some other navy guys".


I told him as politely as i could to go fuck himself. I'm lying, i actually told him to go fuck himself.

[Gunshypuppy]

I had an Army recruiter after me.  He used to show up at my house and want to give me rides in his Hummer and brought all kinds of damn food.  The bastard wouldn't leave me alone.  That kinda action now adays would wind your ass up on To Catch a Predator.

[bunta]

so then military recruiters are everywhere on the mainland trying to recruit u guys?  if so, that is unfortunate because hawaii has none of that.

[Oograx]

That's just because they know you're all stoners.

[anarkhos22]

im not a stoner... 

[Oograx]

SUrrreeee.

[anarkhos22]

stoners are people who feel that they NEED to get high all the time...i WANT to get high all the time, theres a subtle difference...

[magnesium]

Actually, my definition of stoners are plain and simple people who are always high. People who NEED to get high are addicts. Subtle difference...

[darkarsenic]

hmmm i've never gotten a call or had any army recruiters after me, sounds interesting, all i know is that my mom would probably be happy to ship me off to iraq, cuz my cousin went and he came back all right...

[saje]

in front of a customer all you have to do is say "can we talk about this after i'm done with this lovely customer" then you have them move to a particular spot and wait for you.  take your time and when you have a spare moment wonder over to them and waste thier time. then at the end of it thank them for allowing you to waste thier time.  i'm mean you are at work getting paid and they just got dicked out of an hour or so of time they could have been recruiting someone who wanted to join.  make a standing appointment with them. fuck with them until they try not to talk to any more.  it's fun!  i did that with the ones i met in person, but the phone calls are the ones i hate!  i had to threaten harassment to get them to stop calling my parents house after i moved out.  i also enjoyed being rude to them.  you don't have to be polite.  just think up all the fucked up questions you can and have at it!